Balancing the Imbalance

I feel at my most creative when I’m outside my room, either on a walk, a jog, or on my trusty bicycle zooming through the streets and intersections, at those instances, my mind seems to be at its most active, and everything just flows. At one such instance, recently, I thought about how people have been more kind to me rather than what I have offered them, creating this imbalance in all my balance sheets which I thought I had balanced or was balancing as I am figuring out my life.

Turns out, I am one of those incredibly lucky people to have been the taker in most of my social interactions rather than a giver and I figured out that there are two reasons for why I turned out like that,

• I was extremely shy growing up, not very confident in myself, which is so clear because all my writing seems to be self-deprecating humour and I take some pride in being able to be the butt of the joke??
• The constant need for validation and being one in the group and not an outcast made me conform to what other people mandated as cool and acceptable.

I think the first instance of this which I can point out, rather everyone can point out is their own Mother. The whole process of first giving birth, raising a child, imbibing the child with values, making the child independent is a full-time job in itself, and on top of that, like Indian moms, my mom worked, had to take care of all the relatives, keep in contact with the extended family and then look after yourself. If I was asked to do this, I would simply refuse, but my mom didn’t and in some sense, I took a lot away from her.

She quit her job when I was in 7th grade, well, just to be with me because they were important academic years and both my parents wanted to make sure that I was given all the comfort and resources to make sure that I was successful. Quitting your job, something you have worked towards your entire life is no joke, and yet my Mom did it. I still haven’t been able to repay her back, but I’m hoping to do justice to what she has done for me, and give her a great return on her investment.

I have a tight-knit, small group of friends be it either from school or from university. I wasn’t a social butterfly due to my crippling social anxiety and never ventured into the unknown and stuck to my comfort zone all my life. At that moment those were the friends I stuck by or rather they were okay with me sticking onto them because otherwise I would be very lost in life. I learnt a lot from them, rather they helped me knock off my shyness gradually and created an atmosphere that was comfortable so I could be myself and express my opinions without having to worry what others would think of me.

I don’t know if I have done justice to these friends because for the longest time I was the recluse in the group. I don’t think I have done them justice or rather I feel I have taken more out of them than what I offer them, but without these friends, I actually wouldn’t be the person I am today.

When you meet someone from the opposite sex with whom you feel you have a deep connection, and you both enjoy each other's company, friends take a backseat in your life as they did in mine. This new person becomes the Sun to your solar system and others become just mere comets and stars, existing in your life. Postponing plans with your family and friends seems to be the easier option to take because you know, whatever happens, eventually, those stars and comets will be there, 101 taking for granted actions.

Talking about this new person, well, she too gave me a lot more than I gave her. When we first met I was a nerdy teenager who had never really talked to a girl for more than 5 minutes. So I can imagine it was difficult for her to deal with me because I had zero empathy, no tolerance and was a douchebag essentially. There was a huge imbalance there for a long time and eventually, when the weight is imbalanced the see-saw falls to one side and it did. But, this time it gave me so much to reflect upon and think about that I circled back to this thought again that, I took more than what I gave back and it was extremely selfish of me to think I could go on living life like this.

If the new person ever reads this, Thank you and Sorry. All these relationships and experiences helped me become a more level headed person and not just an individualistic asshole who just cared about what was right for him and not about what others felt.

I think I’m finally ready to make the switch from Taker to Giver in my life. It's ironic that being a Libra I found it hard to “balance the scales”.